free write 4 – feelings

I know this is late, but oh well.

Hey so I haven’t been that active lately. I wanna say that I had a lot of things going on and that would be partly true. I had quite a bit of things going on internally in me. What I mean is that I haven’t been feeling all that good lately. I even tried making a list of things that made me happy. That worked for a bit and then it didn’t.

And I still don’t know the exact reason why I’ve been feeling quite down lately. It’s a whole bunch of things (not knowing what I’m doing anymore or with my life, feeling lost, feeling like I don’t belong here anymore, feeling lonely, wanting to leave here but feeling I can’t, so much bad things happening around the world). I also haven’t been talking a lot or eating a lot (but I have been hydrating myself). All I wanna do is just lay on my bed and just do nothing or just be in my room. I do wanna go out, be out, but I don’t wanna be around people if that makes sense (I feel like it doesn’t). 

So yeah I’ve been feeling sad. And I know it’s selfish for me to think that I’m the first or only one feeling this way because I know I’m not. But I still can’t help but feel like no one really understands what I’m feeling or why. There are times when I feel less sad, maybe actually happy, but then I remember or I think of something and I’m feeling down again.

And I don’t know what will make me happier. I don’t know if leaving here and being somewhere else will make me happier. I don’t know, I haven’t left so I don’t know.

I know people around positive things and positive people will make me happier but I feel like I don’t have that much friends and that’s pretty sad now that I think about it. I’m pretty close to my family so I hang out with them a lot but other than them I have pretty much just one really good friend and I’ve been wanting to hang out with her but our schedules keep on not matching lately. But ever since my sister and two of my close cousins moved away, I felt like I’ve had no one to talk to and stuff. It’s not the same when they’re not here. And seeing them will make me happy but I can’t see them all the time.

Ultimately I need to make me happy. And do things that make me happy. And I don’t think I could ever be completely happy because that’s not the reality really. But being happy despite so much negativity around the world is something I wanna be.

One of the things that make me happy (and also occasionally sad) is listening to music. I’ve been listening to a lot of music lately, especially on Spotify. And lately I’ve been listening to Sleeping At Last’s Atlas: Year One album because it’s so soothing and I love it. It makes me emotional and have feelings and they’re happy and sad feelings, which I guess is good. Some of my favorites from that album is Sun, Venus, West, Pacific, and Jupiter (you can probably see a pattern going on). There’s just something about his voice that is just so emotional and soothing and lovely. So if you haven’t heard of them go check it out!

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