free write 2 – weddings

I’m at a time in my life where a lot of my friends and people I know are getting into relationships and getting married. I went to a friend’s wedding a few days ago and another friend of mine send something to me that really stuck to me. And it wasn’t like it was this grand advice that I haven’t heard of because I had heard it before.

He told me ‘Don’t settle for just anybody.’

It was kinda weird hearing it from him because I used to have a major crush on him (but I don’t think he knew that or maybe he did, I don’t know and I don’t really care if he knows). At first we were just talking and joking around because weddings are when people usually like to ask about your love life or say “you’re next right?” (which I hate when people say like omg can you please not). So he comes up to me and my friend and jokingly asks my friend if she saw anyone she’s interested in and she said no and so he asks me if that was true and I also jokingly and sarcastically said ‘I don’t know there’s just so much to choose from.’ And then we both laughed. But then he got kinda serious and told me not to settle with just anyone.

And it’s not so much that he said that, but how he said it that really spoke out to me. It was as if he genuinely meant what he was saying.

Now I’m thinking about all the guys I thought I could see myself marrying and spending the rest of my life with. There’s only about 3 people on that list: A, J, and K.

I was in high school when I thought I could spend the rest of my life with A and so I was really young and didn’t know what I was thinking or what I really wanted. And A was wrong for me anyway.

I kinda recently realized that J and I would never work out although we’re not a bad match and sometimes I really think we can work and I can spend my life with him but I know it’s not right.

K on the other hand, I still think I could spend the rest of my life with him and be happy. But I really can’t know for sure.

I often think about who I’m gonna end up marrying. Is he someone I already know? Or have I not met him yet? Will he be “my type” or someone totally what I wasn’t expecting but actually really need and want?

Several years ago, I remember having two similar dreams about being with a guy I really liked. But the thing was I couldn’t see his face. It was blurry where his face should’ve been, so I didn’t know who he was but I only knew that I loved him. I know it doesn’t really make sense but dreams don’t make sense half the time. But anyways, that’s kind of how I imagine getting married now. Like I know what I what my wedding to look like (well actually I have several ideas of how I want it to be) – the decorations, the colors, my dress, the entourage’s attire, the style, the ambience. But I don’t know who I’m gonna be marrying. He’s blurry. I don’t know who he is and honestly, if I was given the opportunity to know right now I wouldn’t take it. And I mean, none of us really know who we’re gonna marry until a person we love asks and we say yes (or until we ask a person we love and they say yes).

But it’s a scary thought: getting married and spending your life with just one person. I mean, I love it. I love the thought of spending my life with one person and waking up to his face and having adventures with him and learning new things with him and just knowing that he’ll always be there. But it’s also scary. Because it’s not like I can stop being married to him when things get rough or it’s not what I expected it to be. It’s not like an item I can return or exchange or give away when it’s not what I really wanted or needed or if broken or something I’m tired of. There’s no take backs.

And that’s why I’m taking my time. When I was younger, I thought I would get married at an early age (between the ages of 21-25 because that’s how old my parents were when they got married). I guess I still could get married by the age of 25 and I kinda want to, but I don’t really expect to. I am in no rush to get married right now. I mean, I want to get married someday, but not anytime soon. There’s just so many things I want to do before then and I still have so much more to work on personally in my life, like loving myself more. Because if I can’t love myself, how can I love someone else?


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